The diagnosis had become my death… I was lifeless those months after we were told P’nut had Epilepsy! I tried day after day, night after night to process, to understand how our life; his life had changed with one simple word! It was like a zombie phase or something, while I was struggling to live on the inside, I had to fake life on the outside! Smiling through the pain, making others laugh when I had nothing to laugh about, helping this person and that person in their spiritual growth, praying for others, worrying about others, making things come together here and there. I was pouring into others to the point that I had depleted anything that I could’ve used to revive myself!
I remember in that time people who had approached me (well intentioned I’m sure) giving advice on praying for P’nut: I was told to anoint him and pray healing scriptures over him, to have faith as little as a mustard seed, to fast and pray, to pray releasing of the enemy’s hold on his brain. To pray harder and to believe what I was praying, to do this do that! All the while people would tell P’nut God was going to heal him just be patient…trust me I was praying, I was praying what seemed like nonstop I kinda felt like I was bugging God! To make it worse with all “this advice on the right way to pray” I was second guessing my prayer life, I was second guessing my faith, and so much more! Here I was a pastor’s daughter example to all, the one in my home witnessing to the awesomeness of God and his willingness to do the impossible! I saw my husband praying constantly, worshipping and praying nonstop …both of us earnestly praying for our son’s healing and God wasn’t delivering! My faith and walk were on display for all and nothing, no response ! It left me confused and wondering and more depleted then ever!
During those days I was constantly sitting and thinking waiting for something, waiting for anything! Then one day during the fall ( I can’t say the exact day or date, but I know it was fall because the colors of nature were vivid and the air was crisp) I was braiding Alex’s hair and a movie came on, at first it was just her and I but P’nut & Austyn joined us. At the time of watching the movie I had no idea what it was called, but it followed a family who had a daughter who was sick with Leukemia. It showed the journey from diagnosis, sickness… You saw the emotion and struggle of this household it was real! To say the least at the end of the movie not a dry eye was in that room!
That night as everyone slept I struggled, I was wrestling with God and I was determined to win! As I was wrestling a part of the movie flashed before my eyes, I broke down and cried! As I cried I apologized to God for pushing my agenda and will for my son’s life, I apologized to God for not once asking him over those months what was his will and purpose for all this? As I did this I surrendered everything!
Have you ever cried so hard that you have been drained mentally and physically? If you have you know what I’m talking about, and you’ll know all the more that this was that kind of night! I remember pleading with God to help me and to help my family. After that I fell asleep!
the darkness, the death was being removed…
The part of the movie that flashed before me was the fact that everyone was so busy trying to give this girl life, that they didn’t let her live what life she had! They were so busy trying to give her something that they really didn’t have control of, that they took away what control they did have! They were so busy trying to create what they couldn’t that they killed what they had!
That morning a light shone through my bedroom window it was bright and comforting!
As I looked out the window I saw the rays of the sun BREAKING through the darkness. It was DAWN!
I hadn’t seen the sun rise in such an amazing way it was breathtaking and as the Sun gradually made it’s way into the peak of the sky…I heard something come from the kids room I hadn’t heard in a long time, laughter and more laughter! As we went to see what was going on the kids were playing, talking and laughing and who was in the center of all this? P’nut…his eyes hadn’t looked so bright and as their Dad and I stood at the door he smiled and they all smiled and said good morning!
At that moment I took in the deepest breath and released it, I was alive! When they asked what we were going to do that day, I responded with “we are going to seize the moment…and live!”
(Which is when and why our family started using that phrase in all we do.)
You see I know and speak first hand of what change, unexpected change can do to you, I know firsthand how a diagnosis can impact your life even your inner being so hard! I have personally experienced the pain not knowing and not having control can cause! I know personally the anguish a parent can have with knowing they can not help their child the way they want!
I also know what comes after you accept the change! I know the impact the diagnosis left will become your limp the evidence that God was there! I know after the pain you receive the best blessing! After the anguish comes the peace that there is someone so much greater than yourself and he has it all under control!
I am a living testimony…
“that weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning light” Psalm 30:5
And after all is said and done you too shall breathe deep and live!
***After that day P’nut went 2 months without any seizures, but even after they started again we lived! The movie I referenced was My Sister’s Keeper**